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[gigadevilbreaker]

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Re: DONE

[gigadevilbreaker]

[Please Griffin died a thousand deaths in the time it took you to respond]

U-umm. I was tryin' my hand at writing music so I... started reading poems for inspiration. They weren't bad. [He, glances down, rubs his nose.] Guess there's something to'em.

[mind_blown]

[oh.

he looks at the book, and is again reminded that he... actually doesn't know what to do. this feels a little?

unbelievable?]

...

...

...

Oh.

[gigadevilbreaker]

[ WHEEZE ]

--I mean you don't have t'read it if it's not your thing. You're like-- non-fiction, right?

[nope this was a mistake Jay didn't want romance and this was romance you fucked up YOU FUCKED UP]

[mind_blown]

I read a lot of non-fiction, yeah.

[he pauses, actually still not sure what to say, glancing down at the book.]

... Are you sure you meant this for me? And not, y'know, Shrike?

[gigadevilbreaker]

[He... chews his lip. Guess both of them are just gonna stare down at this book, because Griffin can't bring himself to look Jason in the eyes either.

After a moment of strained silence, he can only offer up honestly,]

It's yours if you want it.

[mind_blown]

[what does taking it mean, though?

he thinks he gets it-- and thinks it's a huge, huge fucking mistake. He can't be whatever Griffin's looking for, because he knows himself. Rival was comfortable because rivals fight. Fighting was easy, because he felt it in his blood that he was fighting something too.

this... isn't fighting. this was out of his wheelhouse.]

Were you awake?

[gigadevilbreaker]

[Ah. Griffin's face flushes with shame as his jaw tightens. He shouldn't have just let Jason think he was asleep. It was dishonest. He wasn't supposed to know, or acknowledge it, or-- something he just couldn't understand.

It felt like he did something wrong, but he didn't know what. So he just admits,]

...Yeah.

[mind_blown]

Fuck.

[where does he start. can't exactly curse himself out for being an impulsive asshole. but he kind of feels like one (hah, the joke is that he always feels like one.)]

Look...

[he's sorry? is he sorry? is he capable of being truly sorry for a god damned thing he does? he's not sure-- just that every panic button is pressed, and he's going to overreact because he doesn't know what to stop himself.]

I shouldn't have done that. It-- was the wrong impression. We're just rivals, you've got Shrike and D.Va.

[gigadevilbreaker]

[Griffin looks up, brows furrowed.]

Yeah. I do have them.

[They're not here, and he didn't bring them up. This was about him and Jason, not his girlfriends-- so why...?]

You're not-- in their way or something?

[...But that didn't actually answer whether Jason himself cared enough to want a relationship beyond fighting. Griffin inhales sharply, and - looks him in the eye to ask, bluntly:]

Why did you do it?

[mind_blown]

I don't fucking know.

[sharply, defensively. a huge over reaction. he knows it is. but he's acting on instinct, saying what feels-- the most correct. what will get the point across that he shouldn't. shouldn't want to know that, shouldn't want to deal with his actual feelings.]

Sometimes, I just do shit, and don't think about it.

[or the consequences.]

I'm not saying I'm in anyone's way. Just that if you wanna fucking fight? I can do that all damn day. I don't mind fighting until you actually manage to kill me, if it gets to that.

But that's--

[a pause. uncomfortable.]

That's different.

[gigadevilbreaker]

[On a certain level, yeah - he understood. Fighting fit that mindset to a tee. Acting solely on reaction and instinct, never questioning an action because all you needed to do was win.

But that still wasn't an explanation. Just because he didn't know why the impulse was there, didn't mean he didn't actually want to do it. Only that it was reckless.

Searching for the spark of honesty in Jason's face, Griffin only had one question.]

Did you like it?

[mind_blown]

-- What?

[there's a flash of surprise. because that wasn't the question he was expecting.]

[gigadevilbreaker]

[FIRMLY,]

I said, did you like it.

[mind_blown]

[he stares griffin in the eye, thinking through the options. it was a binary. lie, or tell the truth. it wouldn't even need to be a convincing lie, would it? and telling the truth was never really an option in the first place.

it really was just lie... or lie convincingly. He could do that much. He was painfully aware that, well, griffin tended to take things at face value. it wasn't fair to ask him to deal with Jason. to deal with someone who was always thinking in terms of half truths, and paranoia.

a beat too long.]

I don't know.

[gigadevilbreaker]

[Griffin's eyes flash with fiery gold as he-- yells, he'd meant to just snap at Jason but he was yelling now and he slams his hand against the wall with full fury]

THAT'S BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!

[mind_blown]

[the burst of anger doesn't faze him. it's like it feeds him, actually. like getting yelled at kicks in some other response he doesn't entirely understand, but his blue eyes lock with Griffin's gold, and he coldly asks,]

Then what do you think the answer is?

[gigadevilbreaker]

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS!

[Griffin grits his teeth, sucks in a sharp breath - trying to rein in his own temper. He couldn't let it get away from him, if-- if he transformed again, who the fuck even knew what kind of damage he could do in such an enclosed space.]

I know you CARE, Jason. You can't just backpedal and say you don't!

[mind_blown]

[he looks at him, impassive. and slowly, slowly lets out a breath. he can recognize what Griffin was trying to prevent, but also he feels like his own feelings are turned off in some way. like he's thinking through water.

he doesn't recognize it.

and he doesn't like it.]

So what if I do?

You're so pissed at me, you worried that you're gonna go full mutt? How's that any good for you?

[his tone is still calm and level, devoid of any emotion.]

[gigadevilbreaker]

[The whites of his eyes go stained black as he growls,]

This is from the fucking Game and you know it.

[DON'T YOU DARE USE IT AGAINST HIM TO PROVE SOME KIND OF POINT!!]

[mind_blown]

[he could keep going, but you know what, maybe this time, he'll just. shut up.

it kind of proves his point, doesn't it? he'll fight dirty to get any advantage, even in this. sure, it's him actively trying to sabotage himself, but he'll still do it.]

[gigadevilbreaker]

[Jason's silence stinks of guilt, and it makes the devil inside curl his lip and snarl.]

You're my rival. My equal.

You don't get to pull a bitch move like chickening out when I've seen you TRY.

[mind_blown]

[he’s quiet. Like all the air has went out of him. The words vaguely land, but it’s like hearing them through water. But he’s not entirely looking at Griffin— and then a touch too long, his vision focuses and he’s back in this moment.

And there’s a defensive glare on his face, defensive and dark.]

What the fuck are you talking about?

[gigadevilbreaker]

[On the outside, all Griffin can see are the walls coming down again, pushing him away. STILL PUSHING HIM AWAY.

His voice starts to crack as fangs start coming in, but he hardly even notices the change now]

Don't pretend you haven't! What the hell was making food, or-- or letting me do things to you or just being there if it wasn't TRYING?

[mind_blown]

[— fuck. Even if Griffin doesn’t notice, Jason does. He’s never been there when Griffin transforms before. He’s always just... caught the tail end of it, or the brunt of that creature’s fury. He knows that if Griffin’s in Avante, there’s less chance anyone gets hurt.

Except maybe him.

A negligible loss, honestly. He could replace his clothes one more time.

But he’s quiet. Griffin’s point is sinking in. Things he’d explained away— just. Shit. He hasn’t thought about them in the interim, or when he did them. Just impulsive shit he’d done for his— friend, mostly. Except for one of those. Hedonism was a demon thing, right? Even if it wasn’t something he was totally comfortable with.]

Some of that was because we’re friends.

[finally, dragged out of him.]

[gigadevilbreaker]

[Glares with glowing hot eyes, accusatory and challenging.]

You let your 'friends' pass out on you and stroke their hair.

[You know how stupid that sounds, right]