[He really doesn't have anything he could say to that. It was true. He wasn't there, and no matter how much he assumed she'd be fine with everyone else around her, those people hadn't been him.]
I'm sorry. I thought-- [His voice catches, and he goes quiet again.]
I got so caught up with trying to fix myself, I hurt you instead.
...I failed you too. [ she grabs for her arm and squeezes it. ] And I'm sorry. I guess I just never thought there was anything that needed fixing... but... maybe that conversation we had in the car hadn't gone that great. I- I mean, ok, it didn't go great, [ she sighs, taking another few steps back, so she can plop onto the bench. ] I thought you were perfect the way you were, Grif.
... [ and now it's her turn to muck things up because of a poor choice in wording. she brings her knees to her chest, leaning forward to rest her chin on them as he drops into place alongside her. ] And maybe that's why I can. Because we're so... similar... [ she looks over at him. ] ...maybe.
I could have tried harder too. It's not all on you, you know. A relationship is a two way street, so I'm just as much to blame for... stuff and, y'know, things. I'm sorry I didn't realize you were so... not feeling... you... [ she chews on her lip. ]
[ she takes a few minutes to think and then she finally adds. ] I guess we always thought the other was just able to, like, be okay...
...no, I... guess not. [ swallows, feeling a bit ill, because she hates admitting her weakness. she hates showing her weakness, but there are a few people she's willing to let down her guard to and griffin had been one of them. to all of the other people she encounters she's fine. she's a senshi. and everything will always be a-ok. ]
[ she bites her tongue and joins him in staring down the lake. don't cry. after another moment, ] Did you... talking to them? A- about what happened, ..? In the Heart, I mean.
[Griffin rubs his face, just-- tired. It's been a pretty humiliating couple of days.]
Mmn. Talon reamed me in front of his whole unit. Now he's training me, and being a completely insufferable taskmaster. I had to hunt down Jason more than once but we're better.
...What about you? Your friend, that forgot you-- did you get anywhere with them?
[ scoots closer and circles her tail around him. tug. tugtugtug. she drapes an arm over his shoulders and then carefully moves it along his neck, trying to coax him to lay his head against her own. ] ...yikes. And training you, ..? How? And for a kid he kind of seems like he could really crack the whip. [ a low hum. ] He doesn't do feels well, huh?
And, yeah, things are a bit better. It turns out I didn't mess up as badly as I had originally though. Like, I still don't know some of the repercussions, and I'm scared to see what those might end up being... but I'm making it over the bumps in the road slowly but surely.
[He snorts,] Well, all his big talk of having assassin training is true. He knows all about anatomy and how to break things. Just-- constantly drilling in that I need t'think and use restraint.
Feels like shit. But, I'm learning... no pain, no gain.
[The news gets him to muster a small smile though.] That's good, though. I mean, that things can be fixed. If there's anyone who can get through, it's you.
Resilient? More like too stubborn t'roll over and die.
...ah. I mean, I guess all that stuff is super good to know, since you can incapacitate people and not, like, well... [ she trails off. ] you know. [ restraint. ] I could use a little bit of that too, I'm sure. [ she sighs. ]
And, yeah, I hear that. But I believe in you. [ she hesitantly reaches for his hand. ]
[ manages a small half smile of her own. ] I... wouldn't be so sure...
...thanks, Griffin, that means a lot to me. [ she stares at their hands. ] And... a bit. I don't know much about myself. Anything, really, but I'm... I guess I don't really see a point to trying to learn any more about myself. I have a few questions, sure, and I would kind of like to know more about my squad, but... I... [ she tenses, her hand beginning to shake in his just a little bit. ] I... that me is... no more, y'know, and I... I figured I might as well kind of start over, I guess. But maybe that's dumb. I don't know. [ she bites her lip. ] But you, you're having some trouble because of your background, yeah, being half demon and half human... and wrestling with what that entails?
...I don't think it's a bad idea. A bunch of people chose new names so they could start over in that Taisho Live, right? If you wanna let it go and be the you y'are now... you could do that too.
Me, I'm... I'm just selfish. Starting t'wonder if that's even a demon thing anymore, when humans seem worse sometimes.
I don't know. I didn't attend. I did kind of decide early one that I didn't want to take anymore memories, but maybe that was me just being afraid... I'm not really sure. I mostly just tried not to think about it after learning what happened.
It's not. Humans are just as bad, if not worse, honestly. And for a demon, half demon, whatever... you're a really great guy. Better than most of the people here, and you have to know that, Grif. We all make mistakes. And not everybody holds themselves accountable. Like, you're trying to make it right and be better. Some of these people just... they don't care.
[ she looks over at him. ] But that's why we're talking. And, hey, [ she turns to face him, swinging her legs around and sitting back on her haunches. ] I hadn't been there for you either. We both made a mistake... but I wouldn't have called you out here if fixing it isn't something I was interested in doing. [ sets a hand on his hand, threading her fingers through his hair. ] I want to be able to be there for you too, especially if you're going through so much that it's making you second guess yourself.
[His voice seems to crack a little when he responds.]
I'm-- second guessing everything. I hardly go out unless it's t'fix another mistake I made. Otherwise I"m just... trying to break everything I know. Feels like I've been smashing my head against a wall, hoping it'll change the way my brain works.
[ frowns at that. ] ...don't. [ she scoots around to his from and moves her hands to either side of his head, hoping to lift it up, even just a little, so she can drop a kiss on it. ] How about we shelf this talk, because I said what needed to be said, and we've both realized the other is going through some shit while we're also going through some shit and everything is just kind of... shit. Let's do something a little... fun, maybe? Can I show you something? It's kind of a secret, at least until the eventual Live, but... [ she brings a finger to her lips. ] I can trust you, right?
[He lifts his head, blinking in surprise that she was still-- here, and kind, even though he didn't deserve it. Though sounding a little dazed, he gradually unfurls, nodding.]
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Re: day 214 sometime.
[He really doesn't have anything he could say to that. It was true. He wasn't there, and no matter how much he assumed she'd be fine with everyone else around her, those people hadn't been him.]
I'm sorry. I thought-- [His voice catches, and he goes quiet again.]
I got so caught up with trying to fix myself, I hurt you instead.
Re: day 214 sometime.
Re: day 214 sometime.
[He sighs, and sits down at the edge of the water next to her.]
It's crazy that you could still think the best of me. You'd probably be the only one who gets it. I mean, we're cut from the same cloth...
Maybe that's why it feels like I dunno how t'help you the way you deserve. Even though you've helped me so much.
Re: day 214 sometime.
I could have tried harder too. It's not all on you, you know. A relationship is a two way street, so I'm just as much to blame for... stuff and, y'know, things. I'm sorry I didn't realize you were so... not feeling... you... [ she chews on her lip. ]
[ she takes a few minutes to think and then she finally adds. ] I guess we always thought the other was just able to, like, be okay...
Re: day 214 sometime.
[There's a long stretch of silence as Griffin looks out over the still water. No waves, except the ripple made by the breeze. Not like her beach.]
...But we're not, are we.
Re: day 214 sometime.
[ she bites her tongue and joins him in staring down the lake. don't cry. after another moment, ] Did you... talking to them? A- about what happened, ..? In the Heart, I mean.
Re: day 214 sometime.
Mmn. Talon reamed me in front of his whole unit. Now he's training me, and being a completely insufferable taskmaster. I had to hunt down Jason more than once but we're better.
...What about you? Your friend, that forgot you-- did you get anywhere with them?
Re: day 214 sometime.
And, yeah, things are a bit better. It turns out I didn't mess up as badly as I had originally though. Like, I still don't know some of the repercussions, and I'm scared to see what those might end up being... but I'm making it over the bumps in the road slowly but surely.
All this stuff just takes... time.
And we're nothing if not resilient, yeah, ..?
Re: day 214 sometime.
Feels like shit. But, I'm learning... no pain, no gain.
[The news gets him to muster a small smile though.] That's good, though. I mean, that things can be fixed. If there's anyone who can get through, it's you.
Resilient? More like too stubborn t'roll over and die.
Re: day 214 sometime.
And, yeah, I hear that. But I believe in you. [ she hesitantly reaches for his hand. ]
[ manages a small half smile of her own. ] I... wouldn't be so sure...
Well there's that too. But that's something.
Re: day 214 sometime.
No, I'm sure. I believe in you too, completely.
[His gaze lowers from the water to the pebbles at the edge of the lake. Serenity, and then rocks and mud.]
But it's been a lot harder to believe in myself. Who I am. That goes for you too, right?
Re: day 214 sometime.
Re: day 214 sometime.
Me, I'm... I'm just selfish. Starting t'wonder if that's even a demon thing anymore, when humans seem worse sometimes.
Re: day 214 sometime.
It's not. Humans are just as bad, if not worse, honestly. And for a demon, half demon, whatever... you're a really great guy. Better than most of the people here, and you have to know that, Grif. We all make mistakes. And not everybody holds themselves accountable. Like, you're trying to make it right and be better. Some of these people just... they don't care.
Re: day 214 sometime.
Then, he pulls his knees up against his chest and wraps his other arm around them, so he can bury his face somewhere it won't be see.]
...But. That means I should hold myself accountable for not being there for you, right?
Re: day 214 sometime.
Re: day 214 sometime.
I'm-- second guessing everything. I hardly go out unless it's t'fix another mistake I made. Otherwise I"m just... trying to break everything I know. Feels like I've been smashing my head against a wall, hoping it'll change the way my brain works.
Re: day 214 sometime.
Re: day 214 sometime.
S-sure. What is it...?
Re: day 214 sometime.